An exercise of the heart that's easier said than done!
Last month when we toured the rehab facility that we will call home for the 8 weeks after Levi's surgery the weight of our journey brought Mike and I to heartbroken tears. The small little bodies facing pain beyond their comprehension was hitting us like a freight train, from room to room we just soaked in the fact that this would be us soon, and the sterile halls and crying little voices just brought us to the end of ourselves. The drive home was mostly silent and occasionally we would simply say, "This is a lot".
The truth is that I'm nauseous now writing about the future fast approaching. I choose to be honest and authentic here and now, trusting Jesus that my emotions are A-OK and I wouldn't be human otherwise. It's interesting however that my faith and freedom in Him have never been stronger. I know who I am more than I have ever before. I love that. I love that it's not one or the other, a tested and proven faith held and showcased by a "Godly woman" that produces a calm, steady and settled outlook OR a hot-mess momma feeling completely overwhelmed, physically/emotionally/mentally frantic most-often, and teetering on the edge of a breakdown (you know the ugly kind that makes people pat you on the back and say they'll pray for you before awkwardly walking away and taking note that the "How are you?" was more of a greeting than a genuine question).
I am both - and I'm loved like crazy in the midst of it. By my husband most certainly, by my family and friends and without doubt by this Jesus who surely walks alongside of me during the ups and downs with my hand in his. Messy yet confident, overwhelmed yet settled, scared shitless yet I feel joy to the core of my being (did she just say that while speaking of Jesus!?).
I am torn apart by the pain I will see Levi in. I am heartbroken by how much time I will have to spend away from the other two little souls I have the pleasure of raising and enjoy thoroughly. I am stressed at how much commuting we will have to do in order to make our promise to Levi possible: Mommy or daddy will be with you EVERY. SINGLE. STEP. of the way. I am worried about the pressure and stress our marriage will be under during the next 2 months, let alone the road beyond that when we bring him home. I am grieving over the suffering and brokenness we will see, especially in the lives of children.
HOWEVER - however. The {SURETY} that I feel in one simple yet profound fact is enough to make the entire paragraph above fade into the background. I can EXPECT God to show up. I can. He will, and my friends I can assure you, that is ENOUGH. And you know what I'm really looking forward to the most? The lack of pressure I will feel from Him to be stronger, more full of faith, or whatever lies I've told myself through struggles before. I truly believe that he desires nothing more from me than my heart. He wants my mess and my hurt and my aching. He wants me to yell in the car (or angry cry) while I drive home from an awful day or fall to my knees in sobs of praise when my baby takes a step - and everything in between.
I guess that where my heart is is this: I'm ALL over the place, and I smile writing that. God made me so deep and intricate, so full of feeling and compassion, so quick to come alongside of those who suffer... and each one of those marks were put there to bear the image of the One I love and feel honored to resemble.
THANK YOU for being on this journey with us, genuinely from the bottom of my heart. I can't communicate in words what it means to our family to not feel alone on an island. Quite the contrary, we feel like we are at a giant family reunion meeting person after person with whom we share an unexplained love and connection! We've been humbled beyond measure to see all of the activity on our GoFund Me and I've been receiving personal texts and messages so often, each person who reaches out in their own individual expression is impacting our hearts deeper than you can imagine. MAD LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!!
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