Reflections from the Heart of a Papa

A lifetime isn't enough to love you...

When I was a child I would have never imagined that I'd be right here, right now with you. You are an unexpected gift that I never even knew that I had. In fact, at times I truly believed you were the exact opposite. I just didn't know how to reconcile you with my own heart and I was also to overly concerned with my own selfish pursuits that I almost missed out on everything that I now deeply cherish. You've been hope in my darkest hours, drive and purpose when I wanted to quit, you were part of the glue that held our family together and you never even knew it. When I was dead set on running, it was you that pulled me back with just a simple gaze. How could I leave you? Where could I escape from the thought of you? No where. I've been smitten by your joy and your gentle smiles. You've brought me joy in the most remarkable way through the most curious process. Yes, most curious. You were ever so gracious when I treated you poorly or unfairly. Only ever coming back to me with love. And I have to admit, I truly was unfair at times because of my own personal anger issues. Something that you didn't have anything to do with but suffered the consequences of. I know now that It's my choice whether or not to be that man again, but I'm so sorry for being so tough on you sometimes. My heart was that I wanted the best for you, but the way I went about it was poorly executed. I would've done better just loving you and meeting your heart right where it was at.

I see that now and thank God for you daily and often more than that. But see, in order to give unconditional love, you must first understand it. You need to receive and accept it in some way before you can even think about giving it away. It must become experiential knowledge in your heart. It truly is a gift...I just never had been able to truly accept it. So I simply didn't know how to give it to you. But now I do and I will. I promise to spend the rest of my life dedicated to helping you experience a relentless, unconditional love that has no strings and no boundaries. If this is the only thing that you ever gain, you will have more life than you are capable of imagining.

Our future is filled with hope and purpose. Greatness and adventure are knocking at our doorstep! Awaiting our companionship! They have chosen us because we have chosen love. I'm inviting them in without putting any pressure on you to do anything. I just want you to see and to experience the the most of what life has to offer. And whatever that looks like, and at whatever pace, we will always look for the love in it. It's always the key to a level of happiness and satisfaction that most people only ever dream about. So I ask, could you be love, and be loved? For in that lies true freedom, success, greatness, favor, rest, and most of all... deep satisfaction in life itself. The kind where there isn't an ounce of worry to be found for miles around. It's exciting to me that we get to spend the rest of our lives getting to know each other. Hopefully always as pals. But I promise that I'll never stop loving you. I am pleased with you, I am satisfied with you, I greatly approve of you, and I desperately love you dearly.

I've had the privilege to watch you as you've unwittingly created hope and unity. You lift everyone's spirits without even trying. It's just part of who you are. It just comes natural to you! WHO ARE YOU?! I love it! I don't know a single person who isn't touched by your presence! The joy you constantly display is addicting! I can't help but want to be around you. I don't know a single person who doesn't love you after they've met you! Every friend or family member I have has been touched by your spirit in some way or another for good. Because of you, people have come together from all over to support you and to spend their own resources simply to help you. I really am awestruck and dumbfounded that such a gift almost passed me by. It actually makes me laugh a little. Thankfully, God has given me favor and forgiven my foolishness.


I've never told you this, but for some time now you have become something to me that I never
expected you would become. All this time I've thought that I was supposed to be your hero.
But it turns out that you have become mine.
And for that I will ever be grateful.
So to you, my eldest son, Levi...you are my hero and I love you just the way you are.
Your surgery is in 6 days but fear not. For I will be with you the whole way.

Love, your dad. ❤

Heartbreak Meets Assurance, 11 Days to Go!!

To be completely honest I've been dreading this post!  The wide array of emotions and processing of what is to come has been pushed to the back-burner of daily life, yet the days keep counting down and even Levi counts backwards each night - "Levi how many days until surgery!?"  "Eleven days, ten, nine...., three, two, one, zewo!".  Through his broken speech and tight little fingers trying their darnedest to mimic the days left I feel my Jesus calling me into quiet reflection.

An exercise of the heart that's easier said than done!

Last month when we toured the rehab facility that we will call home for the 8 weeks after Levi's surgery the weight of our journey brought Mike and I to heartbroken tears.  The small little bodies facing pain beyond their comprehension was hitting us like a freight train, from room to room we just soaked in the fact that this would be us soon, and the sterile halls and crying little voices just brought us to the end of ourselves.  The drive home was mostly silent and occasionally we would simply say, "This is a lot".

The truth is that I'm nauseous now writing about the future fast approaching.  I choose to be honest and authentic here and now, trusting Jesus that my emotions are A-OK and I wouldn't be human otherwise.  It's interesting however that my faith and freedom in Him have never been stronger.  I know who I am more than I have ever before.  I love that.  I love that it's not one or the other, a tested and proven faith held and showcased by a "Godly woman" that produces a calm, steady and settled outlook OR a hot-mess momma feeling completely overwhelmed, physically/emotionally/mentally frantic most-often, and teetering on the edge of a breakdown (you know the ugly kind that makes people pat you on the back and say they'll pray for you before awkwardly walking away and taking note that the "How are you?" was more of a greeting than a genuine question).

I am both - and I'm loved like crazy in the midst of it.   By my husband most certainly, by my family and friends and without doubt by this Jesus who surely walks alongside of me during the ups and downs with my hand in his.   Messy yet confident, overwhelmed yet settled,  scared shitless yet I feel joy to the core of my being (did she just say that while speaking of Jesus!?).

I am torn apart by the pain I will see Levi in.  I am heartbroken by how much time I will have to spend away from the other two little souls I have the pleasure of raising and enjoy thoroughly.  I am stressed at how much commuting we will have to do in order to make our promise to Levi possible:  Mommy or daddy will be with you EVERY.  SINGLE.  STEP.  of the way.  I am worried about the pressure and stress our marriage will be under during the next 2 months,  let alone the road beyond that when we bring him home.  I am grieving over the suffering and brokenness we will see, especially in the lives of children.

HOWEVER - however.  The {SURETY} that I feel in one simple yet profound fact is enough to make the entire paragraph above fade into the background.  I can EXPECT God to show up.  I can.  He will, and my friends I can assure you, that is ENOUGH.  And you know what I'm really looking
forward to the most?  The lack of pressure I will feel from Him to be stronger, more full of faith, or whatever lies I've told myself through struggles before.  I truly believe that he desires nothing more from me than my heart.  He wants my mess and my hurt and my aching.  He wants me to yell in the car (or angry cry) while I drive home from an awful day or fall to my knees in sobs of praise when my baby takes a step - and everything in between.

I guess that where my heart is is this:  I'm ALL over the place, and I smile writing that.  God made me so deep and intricate, so full of feeling and compassion, so quick to come alongside of those who suffer... and each one of those marks were put there to bear the image of the One I love and feel honored to resemble.

THANK YOU for being on this journey with us, genuinely from the bottom of my heart.  I can't communicate in words what it means to our family to not feel alone on an island.  Quite the contrary, we feel like we are at a giant family reunion meeting person after person with whom we share an unexplained love and connection!  We've been humbled beyond measure to see all of the activity on our GoFund Me and I've been receiving personal texts and messages so often, each person who reaches out in their own individual expression is impacting our hearts deeper than you can imagine.  MAD LOVE TO ALL OF YOU!!